A marriage made in heaven

Meeting typescript: recorded by Archangel Pravuil, grand scribe and record-keeper for the Almighty
Language: many concepts cannot accurately, or even remotely, be translated from Angelic to English, for example English has no word or expression for VocalStripping.

Baldric-Overpol was an angel of the domination class. [note: angels are nothing like the demeaning descriptions and illustrations of humans which lack majestic awe. Any human seeing Baldric would have cried and had difficulty sleeping for the rest of their life.]

He entered the assembly room and tapped his clipboard on the lectern. [angels are gender neutral and should be referred to as they but some choose to ascribe to a gender and prefer to have the pronoun he or she] The assembled principalities, archangels, plain angels and even lowly guardian angels went silent, apart from two troublesome archangels in the back row.

“Hrrm, hrmm.”

It was enough to get their attention.

“Good morning.” [Inadequate translation. Time does not apply to angels. This meeting could have taken place during the day or night, or pre-day and pre-night, or on the seventeenth Tuesday in April]

“Welcome to assembly room 1.” [assembly room 1 is reckoned to be a large meeting room on the third floor of Croydon immigration centre and also the back room of Starbucks in Burnley]

 On the back row archangel Baraqiel passed a note to archangel Israfel. It pointed out that Baldric-Overpol was an anagram of Clipboard-Lover.

Israfel laughed loudly and received a hard stare from the front. As soon as Baldric’s attention had turned away he passed the note back pointing out that their esteemed manager was also an anagram of Proverbial-Clod.

Baraqiel tried not to laugh and as a consequence snorted loudly. They tried to disguise the snort as a cough, which was strange as angels do not get coughs or colds. Baldric paused in his assignment of duties and made a note on his clipboard before continuing.

Israfel and Baraqiel were not listening as both of them were trying to find new anagrams. It was therefore a surprise to hear their names.

“And this special assignment will go to Israfel and Baraqiel. That’s everything. Unless there are any questions please disburse in an orderly fashion and re-materialise here for the next meeting which is, and always will be, when it will be.”

Israfel raised a tentative hand.

“Yes?”

“Can you say more about this special assignment?”

“I wouldn’t want to bore everyone so why don’t you two stay behind for a full briefing. Dismissed.”

There was a small ripple of applause which helped Baraqiel find another anagram Clap-Drivel-Boor. They decided not to share it with Israfel.

The assignment was unusual and even more so as the two of them had no experience with love. Baraqiel’s expertise was lighting and Israfel’s was music.

Baldric wouldn’t accept their protests.

“Love is like lightning striking the heart and music, well, we all know what trouble music can cause. The assignment is yours. By the next meeting you need to have made a marriage in heaven. How you do it, where you do it, and to whom you do it, are entirely up to you.”

Baldric evaporated in cloud of steam.

“Lo-Crap-Loverbird.”

“What?”

“It’s another anagram.”

“Right. So what do we do?”

“It can’t be that hard. Everyone’s heard of marriages made in heaven.”

“What like cheese and chutney?”

“Rhubarb and custard.”

“Strawberries and cream.”

“Fish and chips.”

“Cheese on toast.”

“Mmm…”

“Come on. There’s no point hanging around here.”

“I know an excellent cafe in Newport that does perfect Welsh rarebit.”

                                                                    *             

The two angels were sitting at the corner table of Bread of Heaven cafe. They had just appeared out of thin air and also been sat there for several minutes reading the menu.

Lily approached their table to take their order.

“Marmite on jacket potatoes. Honestly it tastes great. Well, maybe not if you don’t like marmite.”

“Oreos dipped in orange juice.”

“That’s too obvious. It’s basically chocolate and orange.”

“What can I get you?” said Lily.

“Vanilla ice-cream and soy sauce.”

“Pardon?”

“Sorry love, we’re trying to come up with new flavours. Something special that goes really well together.”

“I am sure we have soy sauce if you really want it.”

“No. No. I’ll have some rarebit and chips.”

“And me.”

“Right. Two rarebits and chips. Do you want a drink?”

“Coffee.”

“Orange juice.”

“And do you want them in the same glass?”

“It might work,” said Israfel.

“We won’t know unless we try it.”

“I wasn’t serious,” said Lily. “Why all this weirdness anyway?”

Baraqiel and Israfel stepped out of time to discuss how they should answer. They decided to be honest.

“We’ve got this assignment. We have to make a marriage made in heaven.”

Lily laughed.

“No seriously. We do.”

“I’ll tell you what. See those two over there. Glenn and Alys. Get them together and you’d have a marriage made in heaven. I don’t know why he hasn’t asked her. I honestly don’t.”

*

The angels watched the couple while they devised their plan.

Israfel nodded. He was ready with the most romantic, heart moving music that had ever existed or would ever come to exist in the whole of human history. [a Peruvian folk song performed by a mother to her favourite cat]

Baraqiel readied his lighting strike at the lowest level he could set. It would require precision to excite the hearts without causing any damage.

The angels regretted not stopping time while they released their powers. If they had then everything would have gone according to plan.

At the very moment that Israfel’s music overwhelmed the café’s sound system Lily placed two plates of Welsh rarebit on their table, Alys stood up to go to the toilet, and Glenn bent down to retrieve a dropped knife.

Baraqiel’s lighting fork branched out. One stream struck Glenn on the head rather than in the heart. It rearranged several brain cells and combined with the intense music to cause an emanation of love to appear in an aura surrounding his body.

Lily’s heart was in the direct line of fire between Baraqiel and Alys. Being much closer to the angel meant that she got hit with a stronger force than anticipated. Her heart was momentarily over excited causing her fall backwards towards Glenn.

Glenn caught Lily and as she turned to face him it seemed like her whole body glowed.

Lily’s heart skipped in an attempt to get back to its normal beat.

Baraqiel signalled for Israfel to cut the music but it was too late.

Two hearts were caught by the rhythm and emotions were so stirred that if the music hadn’t fallen silent there would have been a first kiss to rival any in the whole of Wales.

It took longer than it should have for Lily and Glenn to disengage.

The two angels evaporated and instantly had never been in the cafe.

*

They reassembled in assembly room 1, which was now a combination of Wembley Arena and a joke shop in Marsden, and existed outside of time and also about ten years in the future.

Meeting typescript: recorded by Archangel Pravuil, grand scribe and record-keeper for the Almighty
Language: anagrams and puns have been cast into English where possible, but are severely diminished by the lack of fourth and fifth dimensions.

Baraqiel and Israfel tried to immediately evaporate out of the meeting but were prevented from doing so by the agenda, which had their names on it.

Clipboard-lover tapped on the lectern [Baldric Overpol adopted this name after reading the transcript of the previous meeting].

Israfel tried to concentrate on the routine assignments. Baraqiel didn’t. He passed a note with a new anagram, Lovable-Ripcord, written on it. Israfel didn’t even think of laughing.

 “Baraqiel and Israfel come forward please.

The two angels flew forward and stood in silent embarrassment on the dais.

“Nothing to say?” said Clipboard-lover.

They both looked down and shook their heads.

“Well I want to say you performed excellently. Glenn and Lily (have been)/(will be) married for sixty years. They (are)/(will be) a shining example of love to everyone who knows them and inspire no less than six other marriages.”

Clipboard-lover started the applause.

“I still think soy sauce and ice-cream would work,” whispered Israfel.

“Let’s try it,” said Baraqiel.

The first bar of Beethoven’s fifth symphony blasted into the room. Lightning flashed and on the final note the two archangels disassembled and appeared in the window seat of the Bread of Heaven cafe where they could watch the outcome of their previous interference.

 “We might have to wait a while. Lily seems a little distracted. Shall I get her attention.”

“No. We better not interfere again.”

The two waited patiently and once their order arrived they both agreed that some combinations were definitely not marriages made in heaven.

The End


In a different universe, or perhaps the same universe on a different time-fork, the two archangels were not quite so patient.

“I still think soy sauce and ice-cream would work.”

“Let’s try it,” said Baraqiel.

The first bar of Beethoven’s fifth symphony blasted into the room. Lightning flashed and on the final note the two archangels disassembled and appeared in the window seat of the Bread of Heaven cafe where they could watch the outcome of their previous interference.

They had timed their arrival to correspond with the moment Lily came out of the kitchen carrying two plates to their former selves.

Lily stopped in the doorway unsure whose lunch she held. She noticed the two newcomers in the window and suddenly remembered taking their strange order quite some time ago. She looked down at her tray to see soy sauce and ice-cream.

Her momentary pause changed everything.

It meant Alys got hit in the heart by the lightning bolt and promptly fell in love. Unfortunately Glenn still bent to retrieve his knife so Alys’ affection landed on the person nearest to her, which was Lily.

The other lightning bolt still struck Glenn in the head. Love emanated and spilled out like a comforting blanket over the tray Lily was carrying.

Baraqiel and Israfel in the window seat stared in horror as suddenly their immediate past had always included a furious Clipboard-lover shouting at them in assembly room 1. He, along with the whole population of Wales apart from Glenn, did not accept that soy sauce and ice-cream were a marriage made in heaven, and he severely reprimanded them for causing Alys perpetual suffering as a consequence of her unrequited love for Lily.

1 Comment

  1. The dominating angel might prefer Clover Radoblip some era?
    I love the time bending in this one, thank you !

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